Deadpool's Guide on How To:
by rosestar1324
Summary: Have you ever wanted to do something but couldn't find a clear enough guide on how to do it? Well, you're in luck. Everyone's favorite Merc with a Mouth, Deadpool (me!), has come to answer your pleading cries for help! (I'm Deadpool, and I approve this message.)
1. Intro

Hello, readers. Welcome to the first installment of 'Deadpool's How To…'. I'm here to teach you guys important skills that you'll probably need later on in life. So pay close attention as I'm about to spill all my wisdom out to you.

OK, today's guide is: How to Annoy Your Roommate. Sounds easy enough, right? WRONG! You might not know this, but there is a difference between annoying your roommate and just being an ass. So, take notes cause here's: The List:

Eat ALL of roommate's food in fridge or off his/her plate

Build a shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of. Include pictures taken with telephoto lenses (scratch out the eyes of anyone else appearing in the photo), fingernail clippings, pubic hair fished out of the shower drain, multiple candles, underwear, and manic love poetry written in blood. To get rid of two roommates at the same time, build a shrine to one and claim the other one built it.

Vacuum the carpets at 2am (or 8am).

Insist that they not use the hand towels in the bathroom - those are for guests. They must use the roll of paper towels you provide them.

Forbid your roommates from leaving wash clothes in the shower, even though you have your own full bathroom and they're sharing one. Wait for your roommates to be in their rooms and then walk past and patrol their shared bathroom for used hand-towels and wash clothes. If you spot either, make grunting noises, stomp your feet, and become hostile. Confront the roommate and demand to know why they keep breaking your rules about their bathroom. Demand that they comply with your rules or you'll call your parents.

Instead of taking your garbage out to the curb, leave it by the backdoor and yell at them when they don't take it out to the curb - after all, you did all the hard work.

Get some pets - preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird.

Call the house phone and complain when the other roommates don't pick up. Even though the phone is never for them, they should still pick up because you could have been in an accident and needed to get a hold of them despite the fact that they all have cell phones.

Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.

Have a tea-cup to regular-cup ratio above 3:1.

Hoard the glasses. When your roommate leaves the room, at any time, and if only for a second, take the glass and place it in the dishwasher. If they confront you, tell them you thought it was a dirty, dirty glass and that they can get a new one out of the cupboard - if they go to get another glass, ask them to start the dishwasher while they're over there.

Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.

Put a sign on the backdoor telling your roommates that they aren't allowed to use it because they never close it all the way and the wind blows the door open and rips off the hinge. Then proceed to use the backdoor and not close it all the way. Become very irate when you return home to find the door off the hinge.

Completely over-decorate for the holidays. Make sure to place a really obnoxious decoration on the coffee table so that it clearly blocks view of the television. Also get a bunch of noise makers so that you can't move around the house/apartment without three going off at a time. Bitterly complain when nobody helps you take the decorations down.

Make rent due the last Friday of the month at 4pm. Then send out emails the Friday before, the Wednesday before, the Thursday before, and Friday morning. Become outraged when the rent is paid Friday at 3pm.

When you decide to turn the AC on, flip the circuit breaker for the roommates who have their fans on.

Disconnect the Internet when you think your roommates really need it or when you feel like it. Also institute asinine firewall policies that block them from AIM or other common services. Or as an alternative, get your own personal laptop and load your roommates' computer with plenty of advertisement-displaying software.

Don't allow other roommates to park behind your car even though you have a motorcycle and haven't driven your car in months. When one of them does park behind you, hunt them down, take their key, and go to the hardware store and get a copy of their key made.

Spend 10 minutes throwing random things from the fridge and pantry into a crock pot. Let it cook until well into the evening, say 6:30pm. Call your roommates and demand to know why they are not home ready to have supper with you. When they return home later berate them and tell them how ungrateful they are.

Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.

Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.

Put a combination lock on the fridge.

Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.

Get dial-up for your roommates - keep switching services to take advantage of all the free offers. Pick the lowest speeds possible.

Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.

Stick post-its of reminders all around the house.

When someone is in the bathroom, about to take a shower or just using the toilet, knock on the door extremely hard, shout extremely loud saying you gotta pee really bad and basically do everything you can to get them out of there. Do this every time they use the bathroom.

Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.

Drink from the bottles rather than using a glass.

Talk. A lot.

Throw your dirty clothes on THEIR bed.

Obtain an RJ11-45 cable and connect it from the phone outlet to their Ethernet switch or network card. Call the house phone.

Find your way into their bed at night. Remember: people who sleep together stay together.

Establish things you have in common - sleep with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend. If all you can get is an Ex, you might as well go for it.

Hire a poltergeist to wreak havoc in their room at 2am on the nights where they have to work the late shift.

Hide a remote-controlled stereo in their closet and put Beat Happening's "Hot Chocolate Boy" or Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" on repeat at 4:00 in the morning- every morning. They're the most obnoxious songs ever.

Eat/Give away any and all of their tasty food in the fridge.

Cross-dress.

Put a Sock on the door knob every night

Answer everything with, "Why?"

Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")

Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."

Hide laxatives in all their food and hoard all the toilet paper.

When you first meet, wear a Teletubby outfit and a monk's robe, then ask if he would like to be sacrificed to the One True Messiah.

Never flush the toilet.

Urinate in the top part of the toilet, so when they flush, urine comes out.

Even better, take a crap in the top part of the toilet, so when the flush doesn't work and they investigate the problem, all they find is shit blocking the pipe.

Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.

Turn off the microwave when they're using it and put your own food in, claiming "It'll only be for a minute", then put it on for half an hour.

Hide your dirty dishes under their bed.

Hide road kill under their bed.

Hide under their bed.

Leave used condoms in public places.

Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with yours.

If they ever put sticky notes saying "Don't eat" or "Don't drink" on the food and beverages, make sure you eat the immediately then claim you didn't notice the note.

Freeze their alcohol the day before the go out.

Leave pubic hair on the soap.

If they have their own soap leave pubic hair on it.

Accidentally fill the shampoo bottle with hair dye.

Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.

Constantly wear their good clothes.

Walk around the house naked.

Even better, walk around the house naked while the have guests/girlfriends/dates/relatives/grandmas over and loudly complain about a rash you got while wearing their underwear.

For lunch, pee in a cup and serve it to them saying its lemonade or apple juice.

Hide your collection of pee bottles in their closet, and then accuse them of stealing them from you.

Buy a keyboard. Proceed to repeat the same note at max volume and when they ask you to stop, wait 10 seconds and repeat process.

Sit and stare at them while they are doing some other task. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave. Mumbling to yourself helps as well.

Sing, 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' every time you see them and when they ask you to stop, proceed to sing, "Let it Go'

If you followed these steps correctly, you should have the whole dorm/house/condo/mansion/room to yourself. If you want any other How To guides, feel free to comment.


	2. How to Get Ready in the Morning

Welcome back, ladies and gents, for another installment of 'Deadpool's Guide on How To:'! Today's guide will be 'How to Get Ready in the Morning' (requested by Dawnswing). Now some you are probably thinking' "But Deadpool, we already KNOW how to wake up in the morning!' 'We've practiced this for years!' Quit yer yappin'! Don't you think I know this? So that got me thinking (do we ever think?) [Not really], 'how do people get ready in the morning?' So I did some research (not really) and found this:

Most people wake up in one of two ways:

1.

*alarm goes off*  
*hits the 'snooze' button  
*sleeps for 5 more hours*  
*wakes up just in time for lunch*  
"Screw it. I'm not going"

Or 2.

*alarm goes off*  
*leaps out of the bed*  
*uses the bathroom*  
*gets dress*  
*eats breakfast*  
*runs out the house before your ride leaves you behind*

And those are all really great ways to get ready in the morning (if your life is going nowhere) but there's this one small little detail: THEY'RE BOTH HORRIBLY WRONG! That's how losers get up in the morning!

**A/N*: But that's how I get up in the morning…. ;_; (Then you're loser, a sexy loser)**

If you don't wanna be a loser, then you better follow my steps below on How to Get Ready in the Morning (For Cool People)!

*Alarm goes off*

~Freshening up~  
-throw a ball at the ceiling, causing chain reaction that cuts the alarm off  
-backflip out of bed and land nicely on the floor (for bonus points, do a 360 degree spin, cartwheel into the bathroom, brush your teeth while doing a handstand and, if you're really badass, use the toilet while still I a handstand. But if you don't feel like doing all of that, then keep reading)  
-Moonwalk into the bathroom (for extra points, sing Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean' or any other song by him)  
-Brush your teeth with your feet (it can be done)  
-Use the toilet while hanging from the ceiling (Spider-Man does it all the time)  
~Getting Dressed~  
Now that you're all freshened up and don't smell like road kill, it's time for the next part of the guide. Now, there's a shit load of ways to put your clothes on, so I'll just name a few so you can get an idea of what you're working with.  
-Have your robot butler dress you  
-Walk into your Si-Fi changing chamber and input said outfit you want to wear  
-Use you magical requipping powers and change your clothes  
-Or if you don't have magical powers or aren't rich enough/ smart enough to have a cool Si-Fi changing both, I feel really sorry for you. So, I guess you'll just have to put your clothes on with something other than your hands. You did come here to learn how to get ready in a cool fashion, right? Ok, then.  
~Making Breakfast~  
Alright, you're clean and dressed. Now that's left is to get some grub! Now, for breakfast you have a few choices:  
(A) Make a normal breakfast in a non-normal fashion  
(B) Make a non-normal breakfast in a normal fashion  
(C) Or a combo of both!

~Option A~  
Ok, so you chose option A, eh? Well, for this example, I'll just stick to pancakes. The normal and bland way to making pancakes is to mix a bunch of ingredients in a bowl and throwing it on a pan. That's good of you're making normal pancakes. But what you wanna make and awesome pancakes! Here's how you do it:  
-Lay out all of your ingredients  
-Stick the bowl onto some sort of revolving surface (preferably a rotating table)  
-Now, (this is where your acrobatic skills come in handy) flip over the table and sprinkle the flour into the bowl.  
-Load you gun with bullets made out of baking powder. If you don't have either of these items, I'm sure you can find them off of Google. Or you and purchase them from me at a very high price of $456.99! (That's on my happy days! But on my bad days, it's over 9000!)  
-Flick some salt into that bad boy  
-Get your lucky baseball bat that your dad gave to you for your eighth birthday and hit the eggs into the bowl. If you did this correctly, you should have been able to hit the egg and send that yoke right into the bowl (This may take a few tries if you have terrible timing or hit like a girl (Like Bob!))  
-Pull you hover cow over the bowl and squeeze the milk into the bowl. If you don't have a hover cow, you can make one in your lab, purchase on off the internet, or buy on from me at a low price of $800! (Be warned! Buying a hover cow off the internet could be very dangerous!)  
-Lastly, throw your butter in!  
-Now, for the mixing! Grab that wooden spoon and stir it all up in there, mix it all around!  
-Pour some on your homemade catapult and launch that badboy on the skillet  
-Once done, put it on a plate and repeat for as many pancakes you want!

~Option B~

So, you're adventurous, eh? Well, a non-normal breakfast will consist of everything that's eatable you can find in your kitchen! Cookies! Fruit! Pie! Spaghetti! You name it!

~Option C~

Ok, well this is basically making whatever you choose in Option B mixed with the way you made your breakfast in Option A. So, that means you're going have to back and read those two options if you just decided to skip to this! Ha!

But if you're one of those people who read through the whole thing, good for you! Very much appreciated! At least someone cares! *wipes tear*

Now you know how to get ready in the morning! Glad I could help!


	3. How to Be A Supervilain

Superheroes. Ugh! Don't you just hate them? Goody-two-shoes, namby-pamby do-gooders the lot of them. Chiselled jawline, rippling 6-pack, and shiny white teeth. They really do grind you down, right? And as for the superheroines - ridiculously hot busty women you don't stand a chance with, the lot of 'em! Someone needs to take them all down a peg or two.

And while we're at it, isn't the world badly run today? Not enough people trampled under the jackboot of evil, despite some notable efforts? The amount of taxes you're being charged just too damn high? Is the government taking your money and using it on their vacation plans? Too much effort expended on trying to save the Madagascan Rain Forests, and not enough spent building Volcano Fortress Lairs and Laser Death Rays? People not giving you the respect you deserve?

What if there were a way you could do something about both of these problems? A way that you could rise up, overthrow the system, stamp your mark on the world for good, get a really cool nickname, and as a bonus side-effect, increase your chances with the ladies? ;)

Most of you would probably say, "Well, I could always try running for president (or whatever kind of government system your county has)," but that doesn't do much in the "cool nickname" stakes. You could just forget about it, get a nine-to-five job and just piss your boss off by doing as little as humanly possible while not getting sacked, but you have grander dreams, don't you?

In short - you, my friend, are ideal Supervillain material, and I'm going to show you how to make your evil rise to dominance! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Cue dark background and lightning.]

In five easy steps, you could be the next ruler of the earth! If you want to learn how to be a supervillain, read on!

**Step 1 - How Super Do You Need To Be?**

This may seem like a silly question - after all, it seems implicit in the name, right? Supervillain and all that? But dig a little further, and it's not quite so simple or restrictive. Let's look at the evidence: The Joker - no super powers, just purple clothes, a white face, a sociopathic attitude and the best evil laugh in the business (step 2 - let's not get ahead of ourselves); Lex Luthor - no super powers, just charisma, bottomless greed and ambition; The Kingpin - no super powers, just intelligence, arrogance, and the ability to become a large black man in the movie version.

You should see what we're getting at here: superpowers are not a requirement for supervillainry. Of course, it could be argued they're not a qualification for superheroism either, and both professions are equally accessible to all, but let's examine that a little more closely, shall we?

**Method 1 - Have or Gain Superpowers:**

The first way to become either a superhero or villain is to have superpowers, either because you come from another planet (Superman for the heroes, Galactus for the villains), being some form of mutant (X-Men, Brotherhood of Evil) or as a result of some sort of accident (pretty much all the rest of the powered-up heroes and villains brigade, really). If you come from another planet, you really should know about it, so you can either spend an unhealthy amount of time around professions where strange mixes of chemicals are created and boiled or ingested every day, or you can try method 2.

**Method 2 - Have or Gain Demonic Powers:**

Method 2 involves doing a deal with the Devil, or coming back from the dead as an avenger or something. Surprisingly, this gives rise to quite a few anti-heroes (Ghost Rider, Spawn, Hellboy, etc), but not as many out-and-out supervillains as you'd think (with, of course, exception of Scorpion form MK, if he even counts as one). Also, it usually involves, you know, dying first, and if you're reading this guide, chances are you're the kind who'd throw a dozen henchmen into an inferno to save your own skin - perfect supervillain material in other words, but possibly not via this method. Which leaves method 3.

**Method 3 - Have or Gain Loads of Cash**

The final method is the one most accessible to the majority - score loads of cash. However, in order to become a superhero via this method, you have to inherit fabulous wealth from your murdered billionaire parents, then dedicate yourself to fighting the forces of oppression and tyranny (Batman). That's quite a lot of specifics there - kinda narrows the field down a bit, doesn't it?

However, for supervillains, it's way less specific. For instance, while the "murdered parents" part is well within your capabilities, the "billionaire" part probably isn't. But the great part here is that you're setting out to become a villain, so such niceties don't apply here! If your parents are billionaires, murder them and claim the inheritance. If they're not, murder some other billionaire and steal their fortune. Or rob a bank, or something. Or make your money the old fashioned way like other supervillains. Getting the cash is what matters here, not how you do it (If you need help figuring out a way to get money, check out my guide on 'How to Get Loads of Cash Fast!'). Once you have the cash, you're well on your way to setting yourself up as a supervillain, and without any super powers at all! Which leads us on to step 2.

**Step 2 - The Evil Laugh**

It is absolutely vital that you perfect your evil laugh before you can be taken seriously as a supervillain. No-one is going to take you seriously if, after announcing to the world's leaders your diabolical plot to hold the world to ransom, you giggle like a little schoolgirl who's just seen her friend pee herself! Your laugh is a tool that must inspire fear in your victims and not merely a mild state of shock and/or indifference.

There are three standard "evil laughs" to choose from:

**The Mad Scientist:** "A-ha-hahahahhaaaha-hahah-aaaa-hhahaha!" To perfect this laugh, first find a suitably dark place, then laugh as loud and long as you can, preferably whilst raising both arms high into the air. This is really more of a cackle than a laugh, and it MUST be accompanied by a flash of lightning (if there isn't a handy thunderstorm at the appropriate moment, at least flick a light-switch on and off repeatedly) or better yet, get your minions to do it for you. For maximum effect, accompany this with shouts such as "they called me mad! MAD!" or "now you're all going to pay!"

**The Demonic Overlord:** "Muahahahahaha!" To perfect this laugh, first find a large room, then laugh in as deep as tone as you can manage while seated. Best effects are achieved by sitting atop a mountain of corpses, but if your budget won't stretch that far (or you haven't really started on your murderous rampage yet) you may use a chair and/or elderly relative instead.

**The Psycho-Giggle:** "Hee heeheeheeee hoo hooo hhaaaaa heee ha ha ah heeee hhaaaa!" Not exactly an evil laugh, but somehow the most terrifying of the lot - at any time and in any location, simply burst into hysterical, over-the-top high-pitched giggling fits. Preferably at moments of high tension, and never at anything truly funny. If you are struggling to pull this one off, think of something that always brings a smile to your face, such as torching your neighbor's prized puppy - that always works for me!

**Step 3 - Choose Your Name**

Yes, OK, you already have a real name, but you need a supervillain identity - your evil brand, if you like. Your mom may have named you Clive, but you'll need something with a bit more oomph to it to really set yourself up. Simply adding sinister words to your own name won't work – "Evil Clive", "Clive the Destroyer", or "Clive, Master of Chaos" all still have the vital drawback of containing the name 'Clive' here. (And it doesn't matter if you're name's not Clive - this is just an example, ya dinguses!) Unless you were lucky enough to be given a name like 'Thraxx, Lord of Mayhem' by your parents, the effect is going to be the same. You need a brand new supervillain identity!

So, choosing the right name is vital to your success as a supervillain! A memorable name is important when establishing your thrall over whichever city/community/reasonably sized hamlet you are attempting to bring to heel, so they always know from whom they are cowering in mortal fear. If they can't remember, they may end up cowering in mortal fear of the milkman, or something, which won't do you much good at all. Something that rolls off the tongue easily is also important, as commanding the respect of your minions is a lot easier when they can pronounce your name.

A really good supervillain name also has to do at least one of the following 3 things:

-Lend itself to a really cool costume

-Sound dark, threatening and menacing

-Have potential to inspire good nicknames

Think about it, would "The Evil Ballerina" ever get taken seriously? The costume alone would get you laughed out of any crime scene! If you do commit your crimes through the expressive power of dance, (hey, whatever works for you!) we would suggest something slightly more sinister, such as "Death's Dancer".

A good rule of thumb to work with is: anything that inspires a costume with blacks, reds, or dark greens should be fine - plenty of menace in those colors. Purple is difficult to pull off while looking truly evil, and pink is obviously a complete no-no. Think about it - how can you inspire fear in people who are rolling on the floor laughing at your get-up? The costume follows the name, so choose wisely.

**Step 4 - Choose Your Secret Lair**

OK, every supervillain worth their salt needs a Secret Lair. I suggest you scout for prime locations very carefully - you need to consider several key criteria.

First, you need somewhere secret, so you can concoct your evil schemes in peace, and secure, so you can hopefully repel all assaults by whichever hero is your arch-nemesis - lost islands, remote mountains, asteroids in a geo-synchronous orbit and so forth are good, while office-sharing in a crowded tower block is to be avoided if possible.

Secondly, you need somewhere that looks menacing, to strike fear into the heart of any would-be attackers. Islands shaped like some form of skull, active volcanoes and the like will deter unwanted guests. If you don't have access to these, putting up a "Jehovah's Witness lives here - our door is always open to talk about God" sign should have a similar effect.

Thirdly, you'll need some sort of complex defense system. Lasers, mines, and death traps would work well. Dead end tunnels and secret passages, to throw off any hero, and mazes are also a good idea. Just make sure you memorize how to get out to those labyrinths yourself. It won't benefit you if you get yourself lost.

And crucially, you will need to be handy for public transport - how else are your mindless underlings going to get to work every day? A Secret Lair without at least 20 boiler-suited men and women walking around is never going to get you taken seriously, so unless you want to have them sleep over, make sure there's a bus stop nearby. (Note: this may be tricky for the asteroids in geo-synchronous orbit, but if you can set up base on one of those in the first place, you'll probably find a way).

**Step 5 - Perfect Those Monologues!**

Now you're _really_ making progress, it's time to prepare a few monologues. These are a _vital_ part of your arsenal, and no supervillain should be without them. Prepare them for as many situations as you like, but you should be sure to have the three main ones ready for the appropriate moments:

**The Full Recap**: Delivered to your minions, and used to bring them up to speed on your evil plot, despite them having been with you every step of the way so far. Evil minions are stupid, by nature, and need regular recaps in order to keep abreast of your complex designs. Don't worry about the hero overhearing you and learning everything they need to know to foil you - they'll never be able to penetrate the defenses of your Secret Lair, will they?

**The Mocking Gloat**: Delivered to whichever superhero is your arch-enemy, and used to cow them into submission. When your malevolent schemes are moving like clockwork, and your plan to ensnare the hero has worked like a charm, don't forget to deliver a morale-crushing tirade to them about how their tiny intellect is no match for yours. This is a tried and tested way of breaking their spirit, and will not in any way inspire them to greater efforts to escape and defeat you. In fact, as long as your plans are well-laid enough (and they're bound to be, right?) you may as well explain them all in detail. With numbered diagrams, if need be, just to show how completely they have failed. Don't forget to sign off with something memorable, like "spend your last few moments alive knowing how you have failed humanity! [Insert Evil Laugh Here]" for maximum effect.

**The Promise To Return**: You'll never need it, of course, but just as every Secret Fortress Lair should have an escape tunnel, so every supervillain should have a good promise to return in the incredibly unlikely event of the hero somehow vanquishing them. A quick burst of "you may have won the day _this_ time, TightCodpieceMan, but I will have my vengeance soon!" - followed by your finest evil laugh (remember step 2) and then an infeasible escape - is like your villainous calling card: don't leave the lair without one!

**The Ending**

There, you are now a fully-fledged supervillain, ready to embark on your glorious campaign of crimes against humanity, hopefully leading to eventual World Domination (and if not, there's always the Society for the Intervention and Rehabilitation of Supervillains to fall back on). From here on, you're pretty much on your own, but I should have provided you with the essentials - the only boundaries are your own creativity, and the ineptitude of your minions. Good luck! (You'll need it!)

**A/N: Thanks for being patient! I'm going to write how to's on every one you guys suggested in the reviews so don't worry! Hope you enjoyed!**


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